Real Housewives of Melbourne, episode three: girls gone wild - NEWS.com.au

We’re loving Chyka’s Project Runway-inspired dress, constructed entirely from a David Jones shopping bag. Picture: Jake Nowakowski. Source: News Corp Australia

THE latest episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne starts with a Botox procedure and ends with a drunken catfight. Somewhere in the midst of all that, someone gets called the c-word.

Yep, things are getting pretty real on Real Housewives. Here’s what you missed in episode three:

JANET

Janet believes Botox heals all wounds. Source: Supplied

Janet takes Psychic Angel Feather Healer Jackie to watch her get a Botox treatment from Andrea’s husband, the ever-so-slightly creepy Dr Chris Moss.

“I was really excited to go and see Chris. To have such an accomplished surgeon do it for me was very special,” Jackie announces breathlessly, as Dr Moss goes about the business of plunging sharp needles into her face.

“We want to keep the personality in your face, but find a way to get rid of the excessive contractions,” he says to Janet, a 55-year-old woman with skin as smooth and taut as that of a freshly-plucked chook.

Jackie then fills Janet in on the details of her explosive run-in with Gina in the previous episode. Janet looks completely shocked — but that may be the Botox.

Real Housewives episode 1: The ladies in their own words

Real Housewives episode 2: Angels and demons

LYDIA

Lydia drops by Gina’s new apartment, which will mostly be used as a bachelor pad for her two young adult sons. Lydia tells Gina that her sons are going to be shagging all over the apartment (assumedly not with each other, although to be fair, she doesn’t specify), which is rather awkward.

“I think she’s delusional if she thinks her boys aren’t going to be having sex on the couch,” Lydia says, her eyes wide at the very thought of it.

After last week’s flirtatious episode with her own stepson, may we suggest Lydia releases a hot dance remix of Kate Ceberano’s classic Young Boys Are My Weakness in time for season two?

Gina then tries to confront Lydia about whether or not Lydia really told Jackie about what Gina had said about the things that Jackie said about Gina. And if you can follow that, you’re doing a hell of a lot better than us.

Later, Lydia and her husband fly their private jet to King Island because they want to buy some cheese. Yes, you read that right.

JACKIE

Jackie’s husband is an international rock star, and she’s happy to remind you. Source: Supplied

Jackie and her professional Johnny Depp impersonator husband Ben are planning a Mexican-themed house-warming, because they both “love tequila”. Jacqui says that if anyone at the party doesn’t do a shot on arrival, they’ll have to leave. During the meeting with their party planners, Jacqui swills from a glass of champagne. It looks to be midmorning.

The party planners exchange concerned looks.

The party’s chef offers them some hors d’oeuvres to taste-test. Jackie asks him where he’s from.

Chef: South Africa.

Jackie: Oh, Zimbabwe?

Chef: No, South Africa.

Jackie (scoffing): Well it’s still around the same continents ...

The party planners exchange concerned looks.

The planners price the extravagant soiree at roughly $300 a head. Jackie is surprised at the price, so she attempts to negotiate by telling them, “But you can literally buy $300 for a head.”

The party planners exchange concerned looks.

CHYKA

Jackie seeks out Chyka for some advice about launching her own brand of cocktails. As the owner of several successful businesses, Chyka tries to help her understand the magnitude of the undertaking with talk of marketing, logos, design and branding.

Jackie explains that she expects to have her drinks in stores in just one month’s time, and says she’ll achieve this through a mixture of vision boards, positive thinking and psychic vibing.

Chyka does her best not to laugh in her face.

GINA

Gina has broken up with her long-distance lover: yes, their ‘geographically impossible’ relationship is no more. Vulnerable after the breakup, Gina opens up to Andrea about her abdominal cancer diagnosis a decade ago. She was given only a 35% chance of surviving.

Basically, Gina continues to be a flawless queen and needs her own float at next year’s Mardi Gras.

Throw a few tequila shots in these ladies and they’re more Frankston Train Station than Toorak. Source: News Corp Australia

PARTY TIME

It’s time for Jackie and Ben’s house party, so the housewives get DRUUUUNK. Throw a few drinks in these Toorak ladies and it’s like watching a Moonee Ponds netballer’s hen’s night. Booze: the great leveller.

Jackie and Gina ark up about their fight from episode one (which frankly we’re a little sick of hearing about), and in the spirit of trying to heal their rift, Jackie tells Gina that she’s been going around calling her the ‘c’ word behind her back.

Strangely, Gina doesn’t take this sisterly revelation as well as Jackie had expected, and storms out of the party.

As the night continues, the girls get increasingly sloshed. They slur their words, grab at each other, swear profusely and bust out some awkward white-girl dancing to Beyonce.

Can they get tanked before every show, please?

Catch The Real Housewives of Melbourne, 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel.