Get the lowdown on MKR, The Block, Real Housewives of Melbourne and our Kylie on The Voice with the entertainment team at news.com.au.
The Real Housewives of Melbourne: shine, shine, shine. Source: Supplied
This week on Real Housewives of Melbourne, half the cast stay in town while Lydia whisks Jackie and Andrea away for a skiing weekend at her Thredbo chalet. And by “skiing”, we do of course mean “drinking”.
We see the girls packing for their trip — hubby Ben asks Jackie what clothes she’ll pack to keep warm, and she explains that she “doesn’t like any animal products to be used.” We’ll have to assume that Jackie thinks feathers are a plant.
Real Housewives episode 1: The girls in their own words
Real Housewives episode 2: Angels and demons
Real Housewives episode 3: Girls gone wild
Andrea tells her family she’s leaving them a comprehensive checklist to follow while she’s away. Her husband Dr Moss has other ideas: “When Andrea’s away, it’s going to be a little bit like a bachelor party. Lemonade, pizzas, a few chips … the list goes on.”
There’s a lesson in this: never ask Dr Chris Moss to organise your bachelor party.
The three arrive at Thredbo, get settled in, crack open the champers and proceed to do this weird fake laugh thing every time Andrea makes a joke.
Skiing is such a fun sport. Source: NewsComAu
Andrea: I made it out of Toorak without my passport!
Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Andrea: I’m glad I got a leave pass from the kids and husband!
Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lydia: I’ve spent so much time redoing this place, I got all these beautiful deer heads on the wall …
Andrea: Andrew’s been hunting!
Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Andrea (while skiing): Jacks is a natural … at falling!
Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
When not laughing herself to nosebleed, Jackie pushes her trademark catchphrase “Shine shine shine!” into overdrive this week, chucking it in to conversation every couple of minutes. Not content with one catchphrase, Jackie then tries for another — “Ballzo”.
“Ballzo is my way of saying, BOOORING!” she explains.
Drinkin’ tea and talkin’ bout the D. Source: NewsComAu
Back in Melbourne, Janet invites Chyka and Gina over to the Windsor Hotel, where she’s booked a room so she can prepare for her first post-divorce date.
Keep in mind that Janet lives in a hotel. So she booked another hotel. To get ready. For a date.
Fifty-five-year-old Janet’s going out with a 35-year-old. Chyka calls her “brave”. Wow, backhanded compliment much.
Janet says she’s nervous about the date, but knows she’s got to “get back in the saddle” to “break her spell”. She’s mixing her metaphors here, but they both sound equally filthy so WELL DONE JANET.
All together now: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Source: NewsComAu
Back at Thredbo, the girls go out to dinner and slag off Gina. HOW DARE THEY. Andrea calls Gina orange and fake-tanned, describes her luxurious Mufasa-esque mane as the ‘cyclone look’ and says her favourite film is Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.
After laughing like a drain, Lydia eventually leaps to her friend’s defence, countering that Gina has her own unique style.
Jackie sits somewhere in the middle, describing Gina as eccentric. Except she can’t pronounce the word eccentric. “She’s very centric I think, very centric,” she muses.
Janet’s date, Marty. Note sophisticated leather necklace. Source: NewsComAu
Meanwhile in Melbourne, Janet looks BABIN’ in a sheer little black dress for her date. Her paramour, Marty, is the spitting image of Chaz Bono and totally enamoured of her.
The next morning, Gina and Chyka stop by the Windsor again to find Janet in a state of post-date bliss. We don’t want to jump to any conclusions here, but it seems a lot like girl got laid.
The three dissect the date, with Gina (who dropped by the date for a stickybeak) describing Marty as “looking a lot more sophisticated than I expected”.
Considering he was wearing a leather necklace, we‘re not sure what this says about Gina’s idea of sophistication.
Janet, Chyka and Gina settle in for a mani-pedi and get stuck into their favourite topic: the fallout from Jackie’s impromptu psychic reading of Gina, way back in episode one.
Three episodes later, it’s getting a bit old. Our psychic feathers are telling us they need to move on to a new storyline ASAP.
Midway through this episode, Andrea suddenly turns into Eddie from Absolutely Fabulous. Will she ever change back? Keep watching to find out. Source: NewsComAu
Back at Thredbo, the girls wrap up the episode with a bit of champagne-fuelled bonding, opening up about their views on relationships (men are there to be broken down and reshaped — great to know, ladies) and their personal lives.
Lydia provides possibly the world’s best humblebrag when she talks about the breakdown of her first marriage:
“I was a young, beautiful woman with three children — who would want me?”
Catch The Real Housewives of Melbourne, 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena Channel.
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